Mindful Self Compassion--A personal Story - Part 3, By Laurie Hallihan

Struggling with suicidal depression since the age of 11 was an ongoing battle until I was much older. It was destructive and devastating to my young brain. It led to self-medicating and isolating behaviors. I was filled with rage and overwhelmed by a pit of sadness. But, this experience also eventually led to the freedom and peace I found through practicing Mindfulness and Compassion.

The road was arduous and much to my dismay, not linear. Two steps forward and one step back. I tried nearly every anti-depressant on the planet with horrifying results. Most made me more suicidal and/or brought on other side effects that made taking the meds not worth it. It was only my confidence in knowing Mindfulness and Self-Compassion were the path out of suffering that kept me going.

I was incredibly angry when I got sick in 2012 and my body began to fail me. I even went to far as nearly booking a trip to Switzerland to undergo physician assisted suicide. I was 40 years old and I could not take the mental and physical pain any longer. Though these were my thoughts at the time, I still kept going and obviously did not take that trip. A main insight that Mindfulness has taught me is that even when things appear to be hopeless and that they will never change, this is a trick our mind play on us. Things DO change. Sometimes almost unbearably slowly, but experiences in life are temporary. The good, the not so bad and the neutral are ever changing.

I continued those body scans and bit by bit began to see more clearly the temporary nature of even the high level of pain in my body. I kept going to mindfulness and compassion groups. Sometimes it felt like nothing was happening and then..a spark...an insight..moments of joy and gratitude. That is what kept me practicing. Each day, practice became more and more of a priority. It was urgent that I continue to rewire my brain from these old habits. I knew there was a lot of science behind these practices and sometimes I could literally feel my brain beginning to change.

It was not quick. But when it began to happen, I could feel it was more permanent change to my way of being than with anything I had ever tried. Other types of meditation were somewhat helpful in the moment, but did not feel like they were ultimately changing the relationship I had with my thoughts and experiences in life.

One of the main meditations I did in the beginning was the RAIN meditation. It allowed me to feel my emotions and more clearly see what was happening within my mind in relation to my thoughts. This began the shift from resistance of any negative thoughts and emotions to opening....tiny pieces at a time.

To try my RAIN meditation, click here.

Should you decide to begin to practice, remember to meet this process slowly. If there is trauma in your background, seeing a therapist specializing in trauma can be helpful. To this day, I see a therapist and do EMDR when prior trauma arises. It is incredibly important to have professional support when you need it. My wish is that all beings find as much happiness and peace as is possible.

Yours in compassion,

Laurie

 If you missed my first two essays, you can find them in my Blog.